Perfectionism: 4 strategies for loosening its grip
My kindergarten teacher was a petite woman with an effervescent smile and an endless wardrobe of A-line skirts and ruffled blouses. On Fridays, she led the school in song during chapel, waving her arms in time to the music, weaving her way up and down aisles of pews that held kids ages five through twelve. She had a mystical ability for keeping everyone in order no matter where we were – in chapel, in the classroom, on field trips. She kept order but never demanded it, never held it in higher esteem than her students. In fact, she allowed me to stand at my desk during cut and paste time, one knee in my chair, because she recognized I wasn’t a sitting kind of gal. I handed in coloring sheets with color choices that defied the natural world, but she never raised an eyebrow, because she knew I had a vivid imagination. As a free spirit, I felt fantastically safe and understood.
Then came first grade…
There is a chance my first grade teacher had zero recollection of ever being seven years old. Her expectations were outlandish and the punishment for falling short was shame. She had no tolerance for mistakes or forgetfulness, and very little tolerance for creativity. Order was her highest value. Scholastically, that year advanced me. But spiritually, that year pulled me many steps back.
In first grade or soon after, perfectionism was going to find me at some point while growing up. I know this because of the culture into which I was born. I know this because of the culture in which I currently live. I know this because of human history and a steady reading of the Gospels. I know this because I am a fitness professional, and the fitness realm is rife with messages of achievable perfection.
So how do we let go of perfection? How do we shake free from a desire for unattainable measures, particularly when our straining, reaching, and endless drive promises our own undoing? I don’t have the secret, but I do know the work requires time, practice, patience, and compassion. That said, here are four steps for letting go of perfection – in no particular (or perfect) order.
1. Name your places of perfectionism.
One thing I’ve learned well is that perfectionism doesn’t always touch every facet of life. For example, I don’t apologize for misspelled texts. My attempts at artwork are less than impressive, but I’ll display them anyway. I’m a fitness instructor, and some days, the words just don’t come out right. I can easily let that crap go because I don’t need to be perfect. At those things.
But ask me about my twenty-year struggle with body image. Ask me how long I used to edit a piece when I first started pitching to magazines. The carpet on our stairs looks like it’s seen the soles of a billion pairs of shoes. Ask me how often I fixate on it when we’re having people over. I do struggle with perfectionism, and in times of stress and uncertainty, I struggle with it even more. Sometimes it looks like performance. Or production. When I’ve amassed performance or production, perfection often looks like proving myself, exposing an unhealthy belief that I am a human doing, not a human being.
When the soundtrack in my mind says the outcomes matter most – even more than me or my learning/trying/obeying – I know I’m battling perfectionism. The solution? I name it, and more importantly, I also ask the Lord what He sees. Then I ask Him to walk me through the process of letting go.
2. Name the fear driving your perfectionism.
When my four kids were young and my life was shaped by their needs and naps, I found great pleasure in hospitality. I enjoyed cooking and I enjoyed people, and maybe most of all, I enjoyed adult conversation. But to truly enjoy my guests, my house had to be spotless. Vacuum lines on the rug. Windows free of fingerprints. Not a toy or book where it didn’t belong. No crumbs on the floor, no cups on the table. Very unrealistic standards for a household of six.
What was the fear behind inviting people into a home less than perfect? It’s taken me a lot of time to distill the inner narrative, but it sounded something like this (and still sounds like this when I’m not careful): “No one should have to put up with your mess, your humanness, or your incompleteness. Banish these things, otherwise people will have a sad perception of you, they’ll judge you, they’ll place you in a category you have no control over, and/or they won’t stick around.” That’s a big, unrealistic fear. And the only solution, in my mind, was also unrealistic – hide your humanness.
What’s the underlying fear beneath your perfectionism? Name it. Again, ask the Lord to reveal the fears you’ve overlooked. Then, ask Him to walk you through the process of facing those fears and reframing them with truth.
3. Stop. Consuming. Information.
Perfectionism will convince you that knowledge is an absolute safeguard against mistakes. Perfection is just a book away. A class away. A few podcast episodes away. A degree away. A job title away. A workshop away.
The Holy Spirit is nudging you to obey and you will…as soon as you have more information. It’s time to make your health a priority and you will…as soon as you do more research on the best exercise plan. You will unleash your creativity, finalize that decision, extend the invitation…as soon as you have all the knowledge, and therefore, assurance of less risk.
Unpopular opinion: Jesus is asking for trust not perfection. He’s asking for obedience not comprehensive understanding. He’s not asking for omniscience – that’s His territory – He’s asking you to take what you know, practice in public, and learn along the way.
4. Study imperfect people you admire.
Good news: each of us is flawed, so any human being you know can be a study subject. Bible people can also be study subjects, and I highly recommend you include Bible characters and their stories. Make a list of people you admire. Pick a few of them and write down what you admire or love about them. You’ll probably end up with a list of strengths and weaknesses, imperfections and successes. How do all of these things contribute toward the essence of who that person is and what they mean to you? How does it affect your admiration? If they suddenly declared they were going to hide parts of themselves that weren’t perfect, how sad would you be? What would be lost? Would this loss discourage you or your faith?
Relish these discoveries and the permission they give you to be your imperfect self. If you’re willing, ask a friend to make a list of what they admire or love about you, and notice what they say. When you’re ready, turn the lens on yourself and make your own list about yourself. Having found you admire others in spite of their flaws, and that friends love you in spite of your flaws, you’ll be more open to accepting the full spectrum of you – weaknesses, imperfections, strengths, and all.
