One More Truth

Reflections on faith, truth, and being human

A Simple Approach for Moving Through Transition

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My oldest daughter visited earlier this week, so the two of us and my youngest daughter chatted in the family room under the largest fan you’ve ever seen, because September or not, it’s still oppressively hot in Arizona. Our conversation revolved around life and normal stuff, and then somehow, we got to talking about mental health and the darkness that sometimes appears and just how jarring it is when outside opinions attempt to wedge themselves into mental health management and dealings that are not their own responsibility. (Note: There are a million soapboxes on this topic – this space is not one of them. Do what is necessary for your health and don’t worry about the numerous outside opinions. That’s the long and short of it.)

My oldest said, very matter of fact, “The darkest time in my life was the summer after my freshman year.” I nodded because I remember. And then she said, “But that was the summer after our move to Arizona. I’m not blaming the move or saying we shouldn’t have moved, it was just a lot to figure out.”

I found those two sentences powerfully affirming, because: 1. as a mom, there is nothing more wonderful than knowing your child doesn’t blame you for the hardships of growing up – with or without an uprooting. 2. Being reminded that time, healing, and God’s grace can work a dark time into a two sentence summary is the picture of both hope and miracles (and I need that). 3. Change is hard. I need that reminder, too.

My family is elbows deep in transition. My second oldest has a new job. My son is employed for the first time. My youngest switched to online high school. My oldest daughter and son in law are expecting their first child. These are happy changes, changes each one chose, and it’s nice to be in the choosing position, but the ripples of change are still challenging to absorb. Not in a “this is impossible, I can’t do it” kind of way, but in a “wobbly, trying to regain my balance” kind of way. I’m absorbing these changes, too, amidst my own, amidst those of our ever-changing world. It can be a lot.

In my younger days, I rushed through change, dismissing the process rather than dealing with it and through it, scrambling for full competence, an uninterrupted plan, zero resistance, and zero visible exhaustion. I made busy days even busier. It didn’t go well. That’s not a pattern I want my children to follow, so in these times of transition, I’m keeping things simple with this approach:

  1. Acknowledge the transition. Change doesn’t always announce itself, you have to notice it. Maybe a caring person in your life points it out. Either way, acknowledge it – no dramatizing it, no minimizing it.
  2. Accept your humanness. You may be agile, but you are not impervious to the impacts of change. Your body will tell the truth, it’s just a matter of when. You can be proactive or reactive. Up to you.
  3.  Adjust accordingly. My son put his early morning workout routine on pause while he learns how to balance work and school. He doesn’t like it, but he knows it’s necessary and temporary. I’m more committed than ever to time blocking and less resistant toward napping. We’re all figuring it out.
  4. Advocate for yourself. Like walking in the dark, you have to feel your way through transitions. If you’re lost, speak up. If it gets too dark, ask for help. (I’m still learning this one. Anyone else?)
  5. Appreciate the good. It’s the little things, isn’t it? It’s dinner as a family because we’re finally all home together. It’s a late night run to Dairy Queen because my son is working drive-thru. It’s a picture of my daughter’s homemade sushi roll, because one of the perks of online school is she can make and eat whatever she wants for lunch. It’s watching my daughter lean more into her own independence. It’s the text when my daughter, the soon-to-be mama, feels her first kick.

There’s another good I’m appreciating, too. My early morning prayer time dropped off over the summer, but I’m back into the practice of taking my coffee outside and settling in for unrushed prayer. If you find yourself in transition or uprooting right now, pray the 5 steps above in contemplative prayer before your day begins. Ask the Lord to impress one word on your heart as a continued focus for the day.

Praying peace for you this week.

 

*Know someone in transition? Send them the 5 step approach for moving through transition!

 

Transcendence Isn’t Achieved Through Constant Striving

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I arrived at the crisis center for my weekly volunteer slot juggling coffee, a bottle of water, and a bag with my laptop and other things I didn’t really need but couldn’t be without. Mina was waiting for me, beaming as usual.

“This is me,” she said. “This is my real shape, my real body. If I ever come in here and I don’t look like this, something is wrong. Because this right here, is me.” I’d been mentoring Mina for a few months. I knew the grittiest pieces of her past, but little else. I knew she had two children whom she hadn’t seen for years. I knew she’d been sleeping on a bunk bed in a domestic violence shelter down the road. I knew when the cops found her a few months before, she was wandering the street with a broken leg. The doctor said the fracture was weeks old. Mina hadn’t a clue how it happened. I knew that every morning, Mina turned on worship music and “worshiped with her tears.” Pain brought Mina to the center. Pain brings every woman there.

Mina’s body was recovering from substances I couldn’t name because she didn’t share the details, and I was fine with that. I’d been witnessing her transformation every Tuesday, but on this particular day, she wasn’t looking at how far she’d come. She wasn’t rattling a plethora of plans or goals she aspired to reach. Mina was paying attention. She was naming her exact spot on the recovery timeline, recognizing the curvier body that felt more familiar. Her body was finding its balance, its homebase, and she was content to be right where she was. In fact, she was delighted.

Finish reading the article here.

This piece was featured first on Fathom.

 

 

2. Release

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I don’t experience the world with my emotions. It’s easier to make sense of thoughts and ideas, so when uncomfortable emotions arise, I am notoriously horrible at showing them, sorting them, and for sure, resolving them. It took many years of growing up to acknowledge this. It took just as many years to admit ‘stuff it’ wasn’t working out.

The common language for emotional resolution – ‘let go, don’t worry about it, surrender it’ – didn’t give credit to the significance of whatever I was trying to resolve. How do I just ‘let go’ of something that mattered? That had meaning? That impacted and shaped me? That still makes me question myself and my value? How do I let go of something I don’t understand? I needed a physical image for the emotional process.

Release. That’s a tangible word. It’s a fitness word, so that works for me, but it’s also a word that implies there is effort and care involved. It implies I must be intentional and willing.

Relax connects the mind and body; release connects the body and emotions. When I release the tension of emotions, my body releases tension. When I release body tension, I’m more attuned to the emotional triggers making me tight or uncomfortable. Releasing these tensions means I can live freely. Fully. I can have conversations about polarizing issues without forcing compassion (kind of impossible to do anyhow) or demolishing my reputation. I like that.

I mentioned in Step 1 that this series is not-so-secretly about working on yourself. Knowing what you’re carrying with you is definitely part of the work. Identifying what is no longer useful is part of the work. Acknowledging the obstacles that trip you up and acknowledging they are tightly stitched to your pride is part of the work. Identity is emotionally connected to all sorts of things. Here are several things I’ve discovered I’m better off releasing:

Control. It’s not mine to have. Self-control, however, is a great pursuit (and a fruit of the Spirit).

Being right. It’s not that it doesn’t matter, it’s just that the desire to be right is an unrelenting motivator and unfulfilling motivation.

Motive. Speaking of motivation, when hidden reasons for doing something drive my willingness, I am not headed in a safe direction.

Platform. A platform is rarely shared. Jesus was all about presence, not platform. He invited conversation where more than one voice could be heard. Lives were changed when He brought His presence into unexpected spaces.

Agenda. Similar to motive, but much more obvious, an agenda is focused on self-promotion. It’s often attached to a platform. Unyielding, rigid – no good. The best agenda – particularly in conversations of conflict – is to keep myself disarmed and composed, possibly disarming the other person. My composure promotes peace within the conversation, and calm within those around me.

Resentment. It is a bitter, bitter poison. Forgiveness is the ultimate release. I can forgive people, mistakes, circumstances, myself – but l have to be willing first.

Ruminations of blame or regret. I do what I can to restore, but I cannot rehash. It steals too much from me. I ask myself this: “So what am I going to do – go back in time?” If the answer is no, I release the temptation to press rewind.

Fear. Also known as worry, concern, shadow thoughts, anxiety, insecurity, panic, hesitation…the list is long. Fear is pervasive and can attach itself to anything, including the ‘shoulds’.

The ‘Shoulds’. Unreasonable or unrealistic suggestions, projections, accusations, or ideologies. Before I grab a ‘should’, I ask myself if I want to hold it. Saying, “I don’t accept that,” saves me from the future work of release.

Release is a process. I know this because Christ’s perfecting work in and through me continues. But within my faith relationship, I’ve found that release is also a trust. When I strip the clever from my weakness and the fake from my insecurity, gather all the complicated things inside me, and lay them before the Lord in prayer, His grace covers me. His love strengthens me. His will moves me into something better.

Step 2: Release the tensions.

 

1. Relax

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I’m currently on vacation. The waves and cooler weather make relaxation easy here. The sand and sun relax my body. I’m not concerned with time or what’s being eaten for dinner. If sand gets tracked into the little cottage, I’m not worried about it. The kids – who have all surpassed me in height, as of the quarantine – are burying each other up to their necks and taking pictures. We’re jumping the Pacific’s icy waves, and we’re laughing together. I am relaxed.

What could ruin our good time together?

Expectations.

Relaxing my body is a great thing. My spirit is confined to my body, and if it’s comfortable in that body, all the better. But relaxing doesn’t begin in the body – it starts in the mind, particularly in the area where my unspoken, subconscious expectations are hidden. These expectations – of myself, of others, and of situations – are often unrealistic, and unchecked, they have the power to damage relationships, ruin a good mood, and burden my body. Until I confront them and evaluate if they are reasonable, beneficial, or worth clenching up over, I will continue to demand someone meet my expectations.

Relaxing my mind by relaxing my expectations is a proactive approach to life. It takes diligence and practice, time and focus. It requires ownership, and yes, it is work. I don’t want to spoil the next 4 steps for you, but this little series about having conversations with people who make you mad because their ideas are so archaic and their beliefs are so out there they must have the IQ of a gnat, is actually a series on how to work on yourself.

Because the only person you can control is you.

When engaging in conversations about topics that divide people, you only have control over you.

To expect more than that will negatively affect you – mind, body, emotions, and your biological systems and responses. You’ll get tied up out there in the big world where people have the free will to think, act, look, speak, feel, and decide differently from you.

So relax your expectations.

Expect people will disagree with you. Expect to be misunderstood and judged. Expect to have convincing explanations, strong research, and loads of passion, and expect that someone may not care. Expect challenges and moments where you are tongue-tied or corrected. Expect self-centeredness to come at you, and sometimes, come out of you.

‘Ok, Michelle, so just lower my expectations, toss heavy issues I care about to the wind, and become a pessimist?’

No, that sounds miserable. And in times such as these, when hard conversations need to be had and people are hungry for a glimpse of humility within these conversations, we can’t throw away opportunities to share the truth about things that matter. Here’s the beauty of relaxing my expectations in people and outcomes: it raises my capacity to hope and remain hopeful.

In faith, I expect that God will uphold the truth.

In hope, I expect that He will convict hearts and reveal understanding, in His time.

In trust, I expect that He sees all, knows all, and He is a Judge who is perfectly fair.

Because of His love, I expect that when my beliefs are challenged, when my understanding is questioned, when my doubts are activated, God is faithful to renew my spirit and refresh my peace when I come to Him and ask.

No matter who disagrees with me, I still get to be me.

Unchecked expectations carry the false belief that I will experience security and satisfaction when my expectations are met. Hope reminds me that Christ meets those needs. I can relax. That’s good news.

The topics are big and the issues are important, but promoting change within patterns of thinking and behavior is a long game. Endurance, patience, and humility are virtues for this long game. A conversation about a polarizing issue is a hopeful step toward change and understanding, but don’t expect that destiny rests in the outcome of one conversation.

Step 1: Relax – it’s just a conversation.